I was watching a video today about meditation that my grandfather sent me.
He was talking about how people have a hard time sticking with meditation because of their inability to concentrate. We’re never taught how to concentrate, but that conversation wasn’t what stuck out to me. From what I can recall, he was discussing how we are all works in progress and he considers himself a work in progress, despite the level he’s currently at. He then proceeded to say that people have a hard time with meditation because we find it difficult to feel unconditional love and compassion towards ourselves.
It hurt to hear because when he asked the audience if they loved themselves unconditionally and if they could accept themselves for exactly who they were without judgement, I couldn’t find it in myself to agree. The entire time I was shaking my head.
It brought me back to what I learned in The Four Agreements about the cycle of abuse and how we abuse ourselves more than others do. And this abuse we have with ourselves can set the tone for what we tolerate with other people.
I’m nineteen years old and I still don’t know how to love myself.
Accepting myself is like pulling teeth. One thing that bothers me about myself is my body. And most of those insecurities stemmed from other people. Friends and boyfriends have all commented on how I was “too skinny” or I ate too quickly and too much. I had one boy tell me I looked like a man after I cut my hair. Another told me I was a fatass when I ate. I still can’t eat in front of people without wondering if I’m being judged. And one guy told me I had the body of a twelve year old when I wore something that was completely out of my comfort zone. All I wanted to do was feel beautiful for one night.
It’s also hard for me to show my true self to others. I always hide parts of myself, of my life, because I’ve had so many people who became jealous, who couldn’t handle what I brought to the table. I swallowed parts of my personality in order to please others. I let them see what they wanted to see and in return, they never truly knew me. They thought they knew me. They assumed they had it right. But none of them did. And it’s hard for me to be honest, to accept everything, because I always feel like I’m being judged or scrutinized no matter what I do.
I walk a fine line between being confident and insecure. There are so many parts of myself that I love and so many parts that I hate. I’ve berated myself more than anyone I know. I wonder if this is the reason why I keep attracting people who do nothing but hurt me.
Some have been better than others. But the trend is all the same. Each and every person is always insecure with themselves deep down and in return, they project that same energy onto me, that same sense of abuse. And I take it. I take it from myself, so hearing it from someone else is no different. I only find myself leaving when it becomes too much to handle. But I don’t deserve to let it get to that point. I don’t deserve to have people who exhibit the same abuse I give myself. I don’t deserve to take it from myself.
I’m nineteen years old and I’m a work in progress.
I’m not perfect. I have so many things I have to work on. I have so many things to heal from. To forgive myself for. I have so much baggage that I’ve been too terrified to unpack because it meant facing the truth, facing the hurt.
The video came to me when I needed it the most because along with that, I was also going through a situation with someone that brought up a lot of things I thought I had dealt with. I was in a toxic relationship during high school that completely warped my sense of self. The entire year I was with him fucked me up.
And now that I’ve ended another relationship with someone else, I’ve become the punching bag to their pain. I felt myself slipping into the same mindset I had when I was seventeen. I was a mess back then. I hated myself far more than I do now. The shower became the only place that I could cry. And tonight I cried, but not because I hated myself, but because I didn’t want to go back there. The last thing I want to do is keep attracting the same energy that keeps hurting me. And during that session, I realized this has to come from somewhere.
That’s why I’m writing this now. A lot of the people who know me in real life don’t understand how deep the pain really is. On the surface, I seem confident and I seem sure of myself. And true, that’s not entirely a lie, but there’s so many things I don’t share. People don’t know how deep it really runs. How I’m still trying to figure out who I am.
But this is what spending time with myself is for. This is what this blog is for. My goal is to always be authentic, even if no one ever reads this or understands. The only way I can begin to recognize what’s happening, to heal, is to talk about it. So here I am. Talking about it.
If you stuck around this long, thank you. You’re a real one.
Here’s the video I mentioned: